Looking after your physical and emotional health

When someone goes missing it is common to experience a wide range of rapidly changing emotions, including feeling frightened, overwhelmed, shocked, disbelief or even numbness. In the weeks and months after someone goes missing, people report experiencing feelings of anxiety, sadness, guilt, anger and fear.

It may be helpful to discuss different responses and coping styles. Some people are more open and expressive with their feelings and find comfort in talking, while others may be more private and prefer to keep busy.

You may also find it useful to seek counsel from your general practitioner (GP). It’s important they understand, however, that the ‘ambiguous' loss of a missing person is very different to grieving for the loss of someone who has died, where the outcome is known.

Ambiguous or unresolved loss

When someone goes missing, the uncertainty surrounding what has happened to them, whether they are safe and well, or whether they have met with foul play, can be all-consuming; you may cycle through a range of different feelings each day dependent on what you think has happened to them on any given day.

You may also experience a range of physical responses, including sleepiness, memory loss, racing heart rate, shortness of breath, headaches and nausea. These symptoms may be associated with having someone go missing, however, it is advisable to consult a doctor to ensure there is not another cause for the symptoms. 

To maintain your own wellbeing, for yourself and those around you, you should consider the following:

Physical needs

• Ensure that you have some down time. Sleep may be difficult for some, but adequate time for rest will help prevent you from feeling burnt out.
• Maintain a healthy diet and eat regularly. If you are unable to prepare meals, ask a friend or family member to assist. 
• Gentle exercise can help maintain mood and your ability to keep going physically.

Emotional needs

• Acknowledging your feelings is important. This may include talking to someone you trust about what you are going through (for example: a friend, family member, counsellor, or your GP) or writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal.
• Feeling distracted and stressed is normal, so take care with activities that require concentration, such as driving.
• Be kind to yourself. Try not to blame yourself (or anyone else) for the missing person's disappearance.

Engaging with others

• Talk about your feelings with your family, encouraging children to do the same.
• Arrange activities with friends, neighbours, relatives or colleagues.

Take one day at a time

• Keep your routine. Routine and everyday tasks can help you to remain grounded during unexpected and emotional situations.
• Personal judgement may be affected when making significant life changes. Take the time to make sound decisions.

• It may be beneficial for families and friends of missing persons to talk to someone about how they are feeling. The experience of having a loved one missing can feel isolating. Reach out for, and accept, support from others (for example: friends, family, local community groups, and support agencies).
• You may find that people close to you want to provide support but are unsure of how best to help. People outside the situation can sometimes feel more helpless if they don't know what is needed from them. Make a list of things that volunteers may do for you and your family such as child minding, meals, searching and contacting people.
• Let others know what you need for support. Tell them what is helpful or not helpful to say or do.
• People within the same family may react differently. Be understanding and give each person space and permission to cope in their own way.
• Encourage children and teenagers to talk about their feelings; they can sometimes be afraid of upsetting their parents, especially if a sibling is missing.
• Children often show feelings through their behaviour in times of stress. It is important to encourage young people to talk openly and if you need to address their behaviour consider that the cause may be a reaction to having someone go missing.

Uncertainty about the health and whereabouts of someone can cause enormous challenges for individuals as well as on significant relationships. 

• Families of missing persons have spoken about the weight of carrying other people’s pain when their loved one has gone missing. Whilst it is important to acknowledge your own concerns please ensure that you are not further burdening families of missing with your own pain. It may be more appropriate to speak to a neutral party about your own reaction to the person going missing.
• It is also important to recognise that if the immediate family members of the missing person are relying on you for 
  support, that you monitor how you are managing and perhaps share the load with other friends or extended family members.
• Many families of missing persons speak about their guilt, anger and confusion in not being able to predict that the missing person was going to disappear. Acting as a quasi-detective is not always conducive to the emotional needs of families, being a support person requires you to be non-judgmental and to be comfortable sitting with the ambiguous loss that accompanies each missing person’s case.
• If there are children in your family affected by the disappearance of a missing person, notify the children’s school. School counsellors may be a helpful resource in supporting them, and will know what to do in this situation.
• Even if you are not an immediate family member of a missing person this does not mean that your feelings of loss and anxiety are not as valid as those directly affected.

• It is challenging to live with uncertainty and seeking professional help may provide additional strength.
• If support is needed on an ongoing basis, families and friends should not hesitate in contacting a counsellor, doctor, natural therapy practitioner or other qualified professional. Sometimes taking time to speak in a safe environment about what is happening and how you are feeling, can give you the strength to keep going.
• A list of support services is available and outlines some of the services available to the families and friends of missing persons. Other counselling services and providers may be referred by investigating police officers, general practitioners or community health centres.
• If a loved one is located and returns home, families and friends may consider obtaining professional counselling, mediation or reconciliation support to help prevent the situation recurring. Additional support may also be useful if the person was a victim of a crime whilst they were missing. This might help you to understand their experience and provide them with support.